Deborah Kirkpatrick remembers the day her former life “ended.”

It was July 16, 1992 and it was the day her husband of 10 years died in an airplane crash.

“I went to the gym that morning to work out and I went to Costco and all that time he was gone,” Kirkpatrick said. “I never sensed anything.”

But Kirkpatrick, who was 39 years old at the time, immediately sensed it later that day when she was in the front room of her house and seven cars pulled up and 13 people came running toward her front door.

Her late husband, Robert Robbins, was a civilian test pilot for the Department of Defense and he, another pilot and an engineer were killed in an aircraft accident in the Georgia town of Colquitt.

“I was hoping they would say, ‘There’s been an accident and Bob’s OK,’” Kirkpatrick remembered thinking. “But Bob wasn’t OK.”

For the next two years Kirkpatrick’s life was filled with constant grief and heartache as she dealt with the pain.

“It felt like half of me was gone, which was true,” Kirkpatrick said.

It wasn’t until the third year that Kirkpatrick said she was able to see “light at the end of the tunnel.”

Now, 17 years after her late husband died, the Auburn resident is helping others cope with losing a loved one.

She currently leads grief-counseling sessions at Bayside Church in Granite Bay and is getting ready to start an 11-week support group program to help people cope with grief during the holidays.

Kirkpatrick said recently she had two Auburn residents call her asking for information about her grief support group. She said she would like to start a group in the Auburn area for those in need.

After Robbins died, Kirkpatrick quit a 25-year career as an administrator in the medical field and returned to her Christian faith.

“I came back to my faith and that’s what changed everything for me,” Kirkpatrick said.

She took classes to obtain a theology degree and helped build a grief counseling ministry program for the 4,000 parishioners of Desert Vineyard Christian Fellowship church in Southern California.

“It was really exciting for me to be a part of such a needed ministry that deals with the hurt and pain people go through in life,” Kirkpatrick said.

When the program was at its peak, Kirkpatrick had lived seven years without her husband and was once again feeling joy.

During one of her grief counseling sessions, a man — who had recently lost his wife of 46 years, Judy, and was facing a prostrate cancer diagnosis — walked in.

At the time, John Kirkpatrick said the support group helped him cope with the “coulda, woulda, shouldas” that had plagued him since his wife died. The group also offered prayers and made hospital visits when he was undergoing his cancer treatment.

Deborah Kirkpatrick said she and John Kirkpatrick developed a friendship that eventually evolved into something more.

In May 2004, the two were married and on Sept. 24, 2004 — a date commemorated on a welcome sign by their front door — they moved up to an Auburn home surrounded by tall trees with a year-round creek running next to it.

“We both feel very blessed that in this lifetime we’ve been given a chance to love again — to have two great loves in our life,” Deborah Kirkpatrick said.

John Kirkpatrick said now he and Deborah together remember their spouses with a new outlook.

“I think the way life is now is we’re married and when we both remember our former spouses, it’s no longer with a sense of loss but a sense of they’re in a better place,” John Kirkpatrick said. “There is a life after getting through the grief stages and it’s a very good life.”

Deborah Kirkpatrick, who was sitting nearby, laughed out loud upon hearing her husband’s words. With a glimmer in her eye and a smile on a face she told him, “I love you, honey.”

When her late husband died 17 years ago, Deborah Kirkpatrick said that it was the end of her life but also the beginning of her life.

“Slowly but surely you’re letting go of your loved one and you finally begin to start doing things differently,” Deborah Kirkpatrick said. “Life will be good again.”

Jenifer Gee can be reached at jeniferg@goldcountrymedia.com.

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Surviving the holidays with grief

What: “Surviving the Holidays” grief care and support group

When: 7 to 9 p.m. Thursdays, Nov. 12 through Jan. 14

Where: First meeting is at Bayside Church office, Suite 440, 8211 Sierra College Blvd., Granite Bay

Call: Deborah Kirkpatrick at (530) 888-6912 or e-mail at birdmom175@sbcglobal.net for more information

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Support group helps mourners cope with the holiday season

Important to face your grief, survivor says

By Jenifer Gee

Journal Staff Writer

Losing a loved one and facing the holiday season without that person can easily add to the heartache survivors are already trying to cope with.

Auburn resident and grief counselor Deborah Kirkpatrick knows the feelings of loneliness, depression and anger all too well.

On July 16, 1992, Kirkpatrick’s husband of 10 years, Robert Robbins, died in an aircraft accident.

It was three years before Kirkpatrick said she was able to “see the light at the end of the tunnel” and now, 17 years later, she’s helping others realize that life will get better — it just takes time.

On Thursday, Kirkpatrick will begin the first meeting of “Surviving the Holidays,” which is an 11-week program to help those dealing with the loss of a loved one cope with the holiday season.

“The holidays, No. 1, are very very difficult for people,” Kirkpatrick said.

She said commercials and images focus on depicting the “complete family.” That’s an image difficult for to swallow for any who has lost a family member or loved one.

“There’s going to be a big void for them,” Kirkpatrick said.

Kirkpatrick said it’s important for grieving survivors to talk about their loved one and incorporate them into whatever holiday celebration they want to have.

She said sometimes people set up a mini memorial with the loved one’s picture and keepsakes on a small table in the living room.

Families can also gather and talk about fond memories of the person who has left their life.

She said another idea is to have friends and family write small notes to those grieving and put them in a stocking made for the person who has passed away.

“Don’t let there be an elephant in the room,” Kirkpatrick advised. “Over the holidays nobody knows what to say so people say nothing.”

Kirkpatrick suggested that instead those grieving should talk to other people about their feelings.

“Be honest what your needs are, let people know what your needs are and if you want to talk about your loved one, let people know,” Kirkpatrick said. “Let them know that you may cry and that’s OK.”

In the upcoming holiday survival grief support group, Kirkpatrick said she hands out a folder of information and tips, including a holiday check list. The checklist, she said, helps survivors make plans for how they will handle typical holiday time traditions.

Kirkpatrick said above all, survivors should make sure to be good to themselves and don’t let too many demands be placed on them.

“You’re never ready for this but go over your holiday plan and be prepared,” Kirkpatrick said.

Also, she said it’s important that those grieving resist the urge to spend the season alone.

“You never want to sit home alone even though you might want to,” Kirkpatrick said. “You’re going to have to feel the pain at some point. You can’t run away from it.”

Jenifer Gee can be reached at jeniferg@goldcountrymedia.com.